Fear

There are many many things I am afraid of but my biggest fear is losing the ones I love. I have lost so many people and sometimes I have anxiety about who is next. In 2006 I lost my father to lung cancer. He was 79 and had smoked sense he was 9. Even in the hospital, desperate for  that nicotine fix, he would chew his ciggs. I was totally lost after he died. I never thought, although I had picture it a million times, I was not prepared for the way this loss would shake me to my very soul. During his last hospital stay my mother had a mild heart attack. The day before he died she had a double bypass surgery. My husbands best friend died about a year later. My mother ended up dying 2 1/2 years after my dad. Then my son a year and a half later he had an accident while playing and died. This loss was of course the hardest and I feel as though I am just emerging from the dark abyss of grief. After that my grandmother died, almost a year later, then about a month later my ex died. He died exactly one year after I buried my son. Four months later my husbands aunt died, my uncle died last mothers day and my other significant ex died about a week ago. I have been to so many funerals and you would think it might get a little easier, maybe in a way it does....but not much. 


Sometimes my anxiety can be paralyzing. Sometimes I act kind of crazy. Before my son died I used to have panic attacks in the middle of the night and I would HAVE to check on all of the kids, making sure they were breathing, I made sure the windows were locked, I made sure there was nothing covering the furnace vents and nothing covering their faces. It was so hard knowing that I was acting irrational yet I could not stop myself from fearing the worst. After my oldest son died, my panic attacks stopped. I could for the most part sleep through the night, in fact all I wanted to do was sleep. I had and have a great support system of friends and fam. I love my other two kids so much that they literally were the ONLY reason I got out of bed each day. Although I have lost so many, I have many many more I love and live for. Things are better but people still keep dying. I ask myself why so many when I am so young, then I realize I am really not that young, death is a part of life and the longer I live the more people I will most likely lose. I don't mean for this thought to sound morbid it really is not. It is logical. I remember as a kid going to so many great aunt and uncles funerals. I didn't get it and I wasn't sad for them, I was sad for my grandparents.

I am really not that young, but I am not that old either. I was talking to my daughter last night. We were watching funny youtube videos and somehow we started talking about Shine. He had the funniest sense of humor and an amazing laugh. Eventually we talked a bit about the day he died and my Kayla started crying. I have played that day over and over in my head but only from my perspective. It was very sad to see it from her perspective... and incredibly scary. I say that I am not that old and it is just heartbreaking to realize the pain she and Isaiah have suffered at such a young age. She is only 9 and she shouldn't have to feel this way are have those fears. She asked me if I had ever lost anyone I was super close to at her age. I had never lost anyone from death. I am so glad we had a chance to talk about it. She never likes to feel those feelings but I do think it is helpful to explore and acknowledge the pain she feels. She and Shine were typical brother and sister in many ways..but extremely close. Once when they were arguing and just could not agree I told them how they were each others first friend and they should never forget it. Something changed after that. It was kind of weird because many times when you tell your kids things it does not seem to stick. This time it did. When they were scared at night they would crawl into each others beds and I would find them in the morning with there arms around one another. Shine walked Kayla to class everyday and waited for her after school. Before he died she was the preppy one. He was the mysterious one. He loved wolves and Michael Jackson. He had a sharp sarcastic humor. Shine, out of my three children, was the one I related to the most and he was the one I worried about the most. He was both sensitive and impulsive. Kayla has always been people pleaser. She is a stubborn perfectionist. Isaiah is my friendly fun loving baby. As he gets older I realize he was more like Shine then I had noticed before. I try to avoid comparisons, but sometimes it's hard.