Wow, I started this 5 years ago for an English class. When I read through my old post, I can't believe the time between. I can't say that I miss anything about 2014! Maybe the vividness of my memories of Shine, and my parents, but I don't think I miss anything else. 5 years later, I am still in school. At MSU now. I am in the accelerated masters program for History. I feel a lot more comfortable being a student now then I did 5 years ago, which is ironic considering the gap between my age and most students is only widening.

It is interesting reading about my relationship with Shane. We have been together 16 years now, and our entire relationship has been rather tumultuous. He is Mr. Dependable. I have learned to find joy in that. And with him I can be the worst version of myself, and sometimes the best version of myself. He still tells me I'm beautiful, and I eat it up like candy. We are complex together, and the work ahead of us is overwhelming. 

My beautiful baby girl is almost ready to start driving! She is a thousand times better than me, in most every possible way. She is generous and truly kind, unbelievable idealistic. She is headstrong in the best way, and I love that she will stand up for her beliefs. She has been vegetarian for over a year now, she started out pescatarian. She is creative, and intelligent and a perfectionist with much more follow through than I have ever had. My biggest concern is actually how hard she tries. I am exhausted for her and sometimes I can see the pressure she puts on herself catching up to her. She is such a caretaker. I know I have such high expectations of her, they come so naturally, as I am always so impressed by her. I wish I knew how to help her find a healthy balance, but that is one of my own struggles.

Isaiah is now in middle school. He is also an amazing kid! He marches to the beat of his own drum as well! He is curious and also pretty kind, and much less of a perfectionist I think. Isaiah is very much like Shane. He is competitive, and funny, and a little mischievous, but in a very different way than Shine was. He is still the little one that brightens my day with his laid back humor. With Isaiah, he is easygoing, and it is sometimes easy to assume he has everything together, and doesn't need my attention. I worry I don't give him enough attention, and of course I worry that I could lose him someday, without warning. I worry about that with both Kayla and Isaiah, and occasionally even Shane.   

I have a mountain of books to go through. A paper proposal to type up for my graduate class, but I felt compelled to free-write today. It is the first day of spring. Yesterday, I had nervous energy about me all day. My art teacher, who is usually very friendly, was in a bad mood. I had a Spanish presentation in my very next class. I was under-prepared, and my partner and I went right after a fabulous presentation, the best of the class! They were well rehearsed and even had jokes. It was very intimidating to go after them. I am definitely scared of my grade, at least in one way. Another part of me does't give a f*** as long as I make it out of that class with a B. I also had to meet with a teacher I like a lot, and so I am very intimidated by him. He is well traveled and brilliant and so nice! A little self-aggrandizing, but most professors are. I always get nervous when I have to see him. When I am there, it's no big deal though, but that roller coaster of emotion is actually exhausting. So today, I feel a little wiped out.

After I took the kids to school, I went straight to Shine's trunk this morning. It's probably been a year. I opened it up, and took out his MJ bag, and his sponge bob journal, and I looked at his drawings. I went through some of his clothes, and I realized how tiny they were. How did I forget how small Shine was? That truck shirt doesn't even look familiar...oh 5/6. it was from a couple years before... here they are, I remember these pants. He stood about this tall. I remember his waist and his chest and his arms and his legs and those ice blue eyes. and my chest tightens and I remember that I don't even know if I can do this....It doesn't even feel like MY life. The direction changed so when he died! And I realize this trunk is my museum. His essence is near. I smell him. I keep his things safe for him, even though I know he can't come back for them. And I can't let it go. I talk to him and I tell him how I miss him. I picture holding him. Is he 9 or almost 17? I don't know!!!

I saw some teens taking a tour of MSU on Monday, and it was the first panic attack or wave of grief, whatever you want to call it, I have had in almost a year. I remember the last one. A prof. was describing how he witnessed moms having to say goodbye to their dying children...my tears just fell uncontrollably, and I have no idea what that prof. thought. He never said a word about it and I never told him that I lost my son, and that many days I feel like a shell of who I was before he left me. This time, on monday, I caught hold of myself pretty well. I watched a marco polo Cristin left me, and felt distracted for a minute  Then I sent her a marco.The tears came, but I caught them. I told her I was sorry for crying, she marco-ed me back and told me don't ever be sorry! I debated for a minute whether to rush home and go back to bed, but I put myself together and went to class. I was a couple minutes late but I soldiered through the day...