my happy heaven and yucky hell

This week my heavens included watching some old videos of my kids and my son that passed away. There were also some with my nephews. These videos are about two-three years old and they reminded me of how sweet and naughty kids are. Many of them were recorded with out the kids knowing, so they are being completely authentic. They are free from pressure from adults to behave in a certain way. It was also nice to realize that watching them now feels very different from watching them a year ago. I also had a dream about my first "love". He is dead now, but when I dream about him it is always very intense. I often here songs that were our songs, and I just have him in the back of my mind for the day. This is a bit of hell and heaven. I love my husband and it is the real love that can handle obstacles. My first was not that deep and maybe in a way deeper. It was all about feelings and none of it was about the real world around us. I think that I am over the ex but the intense feelings that this relationship produced are always glorified in my mind.